In his book, "You, Me, and Everything Between Us, The Devil's Triangle: Love-Marriage-Infidelity," psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Mehmet Z. Sungur offers no standard prescriptions, unlike many other books on relationships. Prof. Dr. Sungur, who has been dealing with relationship problems, conducting couples therapy, and providing training in this area for years, shares his experiences.
“I likened love-marriage-infidelity to a devil's triangle because almost everyone experiences at least one of these three things at least once in their lives,” she says. Here’s what she said.
IS IT NECESSARY TO PROLONG LOVE?
Everyone is searching for the answer to the question, "How long does love last?" They want to prolong love as much as possible. It's understandable to want this "extraordinarily beautiful dream" not to end quickly. However, the unfortunate thing here is thinking that when love ends, everything ends and the relationship becomes meaningless. If people believed that the feeling that could replace love could be at least as fulfilling as love itself, the question of when love ends wouldn't be asked so often.
WINE CAN TURN INTO SHARP VINEGAR, AND LOVE CAN BE A DEADLY RAGE.
Romantic love and the anger of abandonment are closely linked in the brain. Both are states of both physical and mental arousal. Both involve an excessive surge of energy. Both increase longing: in one, a longing for oneness with the beloved; in the other, a longing for revenge against the one who abandoned them. It seems human pride cannot tolerate abandonment.
SUICIDE IN MEN, DEPRESSION IN WOMEN
After a breakup, men and women often react differently during the period of grief. Men are generally more dependent on their romantic partners and have weaker social ties. Therefore, their tendency towards alcohol and substance abuse may increase, and they may start driving recklessly. Suicide rates among men after breakups are three times higher than among women. Conversely, depression rates among women are twice as high as among men.
WHAT FEMINISTS ARE MISSING IS THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT!
Unfortunately, the concept of equality within the family, brought about by feminism, has been equated with the similarities between the two genders. However, saying that men and women are different doesn't mean one gender is better or more successful than the other. If we understand the different needs stemming from genders and, instead of criticizing each other for these differences, accept them and even applaud the richness they bring, our relationships will be stronger. It's not the differences between spouses that end marriages; it's the inability to learn to live with differences!
EVEN IF EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL, THERE ARE THOSE WHO WANT A DIVORCE.
Lately, we've been encountering certain situations. Especially middle-aged men come in saying, 'I love my wife, I have no problems with her or anyone else, but I want to live the rest of my life alone.' When asked why, they reply, 'Did I have a good reason to get married? So why are they asking for a reason when it comes to divorce?'.
INFIDELITY AND DECEPTION ARE SEPARATE CONCEPTS.
Infidelity and cheating are not synonymous. Infidelity is an emotional and/or physical relationship with a third party. Ultimately, it violates the expectations or standards of the relationship. Cheating, on the other hand, inevitably results from infidelity and involves various lies or statements and behaviors that fall outside the bounds of honesty. No one commits infidelity with the intention of deceiving their partner. Infidelity is a choice, while cheating is the inevitable part of the process that follows that choice.
THE MOTIVATIONS OF THE TWO GENDERS ARE DIFFERENT.
There are many types of infidelity, and sexual infidelity is just one part of it. Chatting, virtual sex, etc., are risk factors that can lead to infidelity. Women cheat because of diminished hope and loss of excitement in their current relationships, and because they still need to feel appreciated and loved. There's a misconception among men: that they need sex more than women... In short, I can say that some couples who choose to stay together despite all the pain and work hand in hand to overcome their problems can become even more faithful and loving than before. In fact, their relationships can become even more fulfilling in this new phase.
YES, ANIMALS ARE POLYGAMOUS, BUT WE ARE NOT ANIMALS.
When we look at animals, very few are monogamous. But we humans are the only thinking creatures among animals. Besides thinking, we also have abilities such as self-improvement, giving meaning to our experiences, and drawing conclusions from them. Therefore, saying that all animals are polygamous, and so are we, is not quite accurate. Like everything else, love is related to learning. If we decide to be monogamous, we can show as much loyalty as possible. In a world where the idea that "monogamy is impossible, everyone cheats" is constantly being promoted, people are beginning to think that living with one partner is an injustice to life. In reality, it is of course possible to spend an entire life with one person, to love their different sides.
WOMEN READ TOO MANY BOOKS THAT GIVE TACTICAL ADVICE, I AM AGAINST THESE KINDS OF PRESCRIPTIONS.
Numerous books are published on relationships. Women read these publications, which often offer tactics, extensively. They find themselves reflected in every book they read. I am completely against these kinds of prescriptions based on tactics. Approaches like, "Even if you love someone, don't show it, step back a little, let them pursue you, don't say yes easily," are flawed. The most painful part is that how you should love is dictated to you by someone else. A relationship is not a competition or a race. In this world of tactics, if a learned strategy doesn't work, people increase the dosage instead of changing it. People find package deals easier. Like the 900-number phone lines of yesteryear… Publications that give the same answer no matter who reads them. As a psychiatrist who frequently encounters such situations, I have always felt the urge to write a book specifically for these women: Women Who Read a Lot.
NOT EVERYONE CAN BE A COUPLES THERAPIST.
To be called a therapist, one needs therapy training. Moreover, not everyone who studies psychiatry or psychology becomes a therapist. Efforts are being made to establish standardized training in this field. For someone to be qualified enough to intervene in the lives of an individual or a couple, they need to have a good understanding of individual therapy, couples therapy, and the dynamics involved.
I OBJECT TO THE PHRASE "SAVING THE MARRIAGE".
Marriage isn't meant to be saved. People marry because they believe a two-person relationship is more fulfilling than a single life. The biggest problem for therapists is that couples can't come together. Therapy, by its very nature, is generally closer to women. Women listen and understand, then act. Men immediately offer suggestions, saying, "If you had done as I said, I wouldn't be having this problem now." Whereas women want men to simply nod and listen. They don't realize that men are deficient in listening; we want to solve the problem immediately. Men often don't come to therapy initially, or they drop out halfway through if they don't like it. After a while, women also stop attending therapy sessions.
SHE HAS BEEN PRACTICING MARRIAGE THERAPY FOR YEARS.
Prof. Dr. Mehmet Z. Sungur (52), Head of the Department of Psychiatry, Faculty of Medicine, Marmara University, focuses his work on marriage therapy, sexual therapies and the treatment of anxiety disorders. He was the founding president of the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies Association in 1996 and a founding member of the Sexual Education, Treatment and Research Association in 1998. He is currently the President of the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies Association. He has received international awards for his work in this field.