In this first issue of 'Paprika' magazine, which I hope will gain more and more readers' appreciation with its valuable writers and articles, I would like to state that the main reason I wrote about the 'love-marriage-infidelity' triangle is related to the fact that all people experience at least one of these three things at least once.
Many things catch our eye throughout our lives. But very few of them also capture our hearts and souls. Like love, marriage, and the pain of infidelity!. Love is being able to become "we" at the cost of eliminating individual "I"s. A well-defined marriage is the art of being "we" while protecting individual "I"s. Infidelity, on the other hand, is risking the destruction of that "we"..
The fact that marriage has disappointed a significant portion of those who invested in it doesn't prevent it from remaining the world's largest voluntary organization. Its short lifespan, the knowledge that it's a temporary flaw, and even the unspeakable pain it can cause when unrequited, don't stop people from falling in love again and again. The existence of a relationship built over years and the importance given to it doesn't prevent infidelity. Despite everything, because they are part of all our lives, each of these three experiences deserves a better understanding.
Let's examine the components of this trio superficially in this first issue. Love is an almost inevitable illusion of human life. While trying to understand the reasons that make love inevitable, it's useful to review the common characteristics of all loves. When one person falls in love with another, the perception of the beloved changes. From then on, one will see whatever qualities one wishes to see in them. Since we see what we want to find, love is a... visual impairmentIt can also be defined as: Perfect lovers – they want to believe they have formed a perfect partnership. To put it more concretely; when Ahmet loves Ayşe, Ayşe is now: wonderful, extraordinary, intelligent, has eyes as bright as stars, in short, she possesses everything Ahmet is looking for. In this context, the partners are in perfect harmony with each other! They find it difficult to even imagine that they could have any problems now or in the future. In this context, love is one of the rare areas in human life where a positive bias is most dominant. After all, while many negative experiences we encounter in the world we live in lead us to a pessimistic outlook and a negative bias, doesn't everything seem even more positive when experienced in love?
In reality, love isn't a real relationship, but an imaginary union, even an extraordinary fusion. Romeo tells Juliet, "You are my sunshine." Adam tells Eve, "You and I are like flesh and bone; the absence of one would be the end of the other." In such a process, "I"s disappear in order to become "we." In this context, love is a... fusion can be considered as. In a romantic relationship, the period of falling in love also represents an imaginary union, as partners consider each other to be the primary source of happiness and almost believe they were born for each other. However, the fact that love possesses imaginary qualities does not diminish the desire to fall in love, even for those who always claim to be realistic. Because the place where people are freest in their lives is their dreams. Dreams always precede reality. Many people know that love is experienced in an exaggerated way, even considering love as a "“impasse”Even when they define it as "..."“but it's a dead end I don't want to get out of.”They say, "What makes this process, where emotions defy and triumph over logic, so appealing?" Is it the aspect of love that reveals the good and affectionate sides that most people keep hidden deep within? Is it the fact that it symbolizes unparalleled sincerity, even if only for a short time, in a world filled with countless falsehoods? Is it the desire to taste and consume an emotion said to be intoxicating in the consumerist world? Is it the profound feeling of its absence because it is perceived as a need? Is it the expectation that all unhappiness will disappear in its presence? Or is it the belief that only by finding the other half of the apple can one become whole?
While we often fall in love with those around us, in an increasingly globalized world, people can also be attracted to and fall in love with individuals from completely different cultures, beliefs, and values. Perhaps it's because they believe love can overcome any difficulty, including differences. Or perhaps it's because they believe love has the power to make even a meaningless life meaningful. Therefore, it's possible to define love as a kind of visual impairment. In this context, love is...“The power to love without awareness, that is, without calculation.”It can be described as "a purer and more naive way of life." Perhaps for this reason, it's a more innocent and naive way of life.
On the other hand, in an increasingly globalized world, love can be an emotion that can be easily consumed. Perhaps people are less afraid of consuming love. After all, doesn't everything eventually run out? After all, don't we love love more than we love ourselves? Don't we move from old loves to new ones? Everyone falls in love at some point in their lives. First, they say they love the person they fell in love with "madly" and that they can never love anyone else. Then they lose their love, suffer, and say they can never fall in love again. But what happens then? They fall in love again! So they love the act of being in love more than they love the person they're in love with..
If love is a temporary visual impairment, then eventually the field of vision will clear. Prolonged cohabitation, or marriage, sometimes causes this visual impairment to correct itself sooner than expected. I say sooner than expected because nowadays everyone...“How long does love last?”They are in pursuit of the answer to a question like, "How long does love last?" They want to prolong love as much as possible. It's understandable that they want an experience described as "a magical process, an extraordinarily beautiful dream" not to end quickly. However, the unfortunate thing here is thinking that everything ends when love ends, and the relationship becomes meaningless. The question of how long love lasts gains or loses meaning at this point. If people believed that the feeling that could replace love could be at least as fulfilling as love itself, I'm sure the question of when love ends wouldn't be so important. Of course, not every love turns into affection. What's important here is whether love transforms into affection. In upcoming issues, I will try to write more about the points partners should pay attention to in order for love to transform into affection.
Since love has a limited lifespan, it will naturally never be enough for a good marriage. So what determines happiness or unhappiness within a marriage? Is it the number or nature of problems? Or are they problems stemming from the person you married? In future issues, I will review the common characteristics of more harmonious and happy marriages and focus on communication and problem-solving skills, which are indispensable prerequisites for a happy marriage.
One of the most common characteristics of troubled marriages is spouses blaming each other. As a result of these accusations, spouses sometimes become hopeless and may think things like, "It's not working...", "It's always the same things," "He/She doesn't even care about this relationship," "He/She never admits his/her mistakes," "A relationship requires two people, but he/she expects everything from me," "Nothing will ever change." At that point, they may think it's pointless to try harder for the relationship. The negativity of the past and present, coupled with a hopeless outlook on the future, can lead to further pessimism and even the end of the marriage. These accusations are often accompanied by some seemingly nice explanations. "He comes from a large family," "Just like his mother/father," "He was raised having all his wishes fulfilled because he was the only child," "He was always spoiled by his surroundings," "He doesn't know what togetherness means because his parents are divorced," "He must have problems in close relationships," "He lacks self-respect and confidence," or even, as the popular saying goes, "A lonely man.".
However, formulating hypotheses and offering explanations for disturbing behaviors rarely solves problems or brings happiness in marriage. When relationships become problematic, investigating who is "to blame" and to what extent, and the underlying reasons for the blame, sometimes only contributes to the problem, not the solution... What matters is... It's not about making nice explanations, but about developing methods that can be effective in solving the problem.. Because, in reality, no one (including psychiatrists) can claim to know exactly what we do or why we do it, and providing logical explanations in relationships is never enough to solve the problem.
Haven't you ever gritted your teeth in anger at a partner who insists on doing the same things you know you hate, even though you've told them 50 times to stop? Or moments when you felt they weren't the same as when you first met? Or even times when you thought you didn't love them as much as before? Times when you felt sad, cried, or got angry, wishing they could just see the truth, just listen to what you were saying? Welcome to the world of close relationships and marriage, where these relationships become institutionalized! In long-term relationships, it's perfectly natural for emotions to experience occasional ups and downs. When things go downhill, it's important not to only focus on the signs indicating a decline. Focusing solely on negatives only makes them more noticeable, and their increased attention leads to them being sought after more. As a result, positives gradually fade away, and only negatives become apparent. In short..., That's what you'll find in life, whatever you seek..
Clearly and concretely defining problems in marriage, identifying the behaviors spouses want to see change in each other, and determining the appropriate strategies to achieve all of this will be some of the important topics to be covered in upcoming issues.
It's safe to say that infidelity is the most damaging experience for couples and relationships within marriage. Infidelity means violating the expectations and standards of a relationship by engaging in an emotional and/or physical relationship with a third party outside the marriage. While couples may say that encountering infidelity would end their relationship without hesitation, in reality, more than half of couples decide to continue their relationship despite the infidelity. Even if there isn't a tangible loss of the relationship when partners decide to stay together, the positive qualities attributed to it are lost. Infidelity changes both partners, thus altering the relationship itself. The old relationship built on trust is dead, and mourning is inevitable. Therefore, the process following infidelity can involve stages similar to the death of a loved one: shock, denial, anger, despair, helplessness, and sadness. Despite all this, and although it may sound unbelievable, it's possible for some couples who continue to live together after infidelity to develop a relationship that is even healthier than before the infidelity. The crisis period that arises after this infidelity and the subsequent developments depend on how the partners manage them.
While it's known that the devastating effects of infidelity are felt more by the betrayed partner, this doesn't mean the unfaithful partner doesn't suffer. The betrayed partner may lose their sense of control, goals, identity, sense of justice, and even their will to live, while the unfaithful partner may experience negative emotions such as guilt, shame, uncertainty, and hopelessness. Amidst all these negative experiences, how can lost trust be regained? Among couples who choose to stay together despite infidelity, there are unhappy couples who never find happiness and security again, as well as couples who manage to leave the pain behind in a healthy way and find happiness.. When couples who have successfully overcome a traumatic event are examined, it is observed that almost all of them go through these three stages.
- The period of overcoming the crisis that arises after infidelity. During this period, it is important to carefully determine what should and shouldn't be done to avoid further damage to the relationship.
- The stage of making sense of infidelity and understanding it. At this stage, the betrayed spouse constantly wants to bring up the topic in order to make sense of the betrayal, while the unfaithful spouse is clearly uncomfortable with the topic being discussed repeatedly. How should infidelity be discussed under these circumstances? Future issues will detail what spouses should do to overcome the crisis and make sense of infidelity.
- Taking a step forward to leave infidelity behind. Overcoming infidelity requires accepting the pain, being determined, and patient. Because only where there is hope, there is effort. The steps to be taken at this stage will be explained in detail.
In summary, this text will describe strategies that couples who decide to stay together after infidelity can use during the difficult period they face. The aim is to provide a self-help method that details what partners should and shouldn't do while trying to overcome the pain of infidelity.
I hope the journey of our new magazine will be enjoyable for our valued readers. While no specific destination is intended, what makes the journey enjoyable is not the outcome, but the process itself. I wish our writers and all our readers a journey where they can find meaning even in the sometimes unavoidable pains of life.
What makes a journey enjoyable is not the outcome, but the process itself.