Many things catch our eye throughout our lives. But very few of them also touch our hearts and souls. Like the pain of love, marriage, and infidelity! It's no coincidence that my book, 'You, Me, and Everything Between Us,' is about love, marriage, and infidelity. Because almost everyone experiences at least one of these three things at least once in their lives.
Questions and Answers:
- You wrote a widely read book titled 'You, Me, and Everything Between Us' about love, marriage, and infidelity. Could you summarize your definitions of each concept in the book in a single sentence?
Love is the effort to become "we" at the cost of eliminating individual "I"s; a marriage with well-defined boundaries is being able to be "we" while protecting individual "I"s; infidelity, on the other hand, is risking the destruction of "we".
- So, should infidelity be grounds for the termination of a marriage?
Studies show that 86-90% of people perceive infidelity as a serious threat to their relationship. Many people who have never experienced infidelity say that if they were to encounter it in the future, it would undoubtedly end their relationship. However, in real life, 60% to 75% of couples continue their marriages despite infidelity. In other words, Ayşe says she couldn't understand why her friend Emel continued to live with her husband despite the infidelity she suffered, and therefore found Emel to be shameless and lacking in character. She even grew distant from Emel and stopped speaking to her. However, she now expresses shame at being unable to leave her own husband despite his infidelity and says she understands Emel better.. Although it may not seem believable to many, some couples who continue to live together after infidelity can find their relationships becoming even healthier than before the infidelity. This depends on how well the partners understand the pain of infidelity, and how they manage the crisis period and subsequent developments resulting from the infidelity. Ultimately, while people may view infidelity as a good reason for the end of a marriage, in reality, infidelity doesn't always lead to the dissolution of marriages as is commonly believed.
- Can there be a good reason or excuse for infidelity? Is it possible to say that all infidelity is the same?
First, I want to clarify that I am making a distinction between the concepts of cheating and infidelity. Infidelity, simply defined, means violating the expectations or standards of an existing relationship by having an emotional and/or physical relationship with a third person or persons outside of the current partnership.. Deception, on the other hand, involves various lies or statements and behaviors that fall outside the bounds of honesty, inevitably arising from infidelity. Infidelity is a choice, and deception is an inevitable part of the process that follows that choice. Finding a perfectly acceptable reason for infidelity is nearly impossible. However, it would also be wrong to say that all infidelities are similar and that the motivation behind them is the same. There are different themes that define infidelity. A. Infidelity that opens the door to a new life: In this case, the person who committed the infidelity has lost commitment to the relationship. They find it difficult to openly tell their partner that they no longer want to continue the relationship. The revelation of the infidelity does not bother the cheater; because they have indirectly expressed what they couldn't say verbally through their actions and feel relieved. B. Three-legged infidelity: A marital relationship normally has two legs. As problems and difficulties within the marriage increase, these two legs may gradually become unable to bear the burden. To maintain balance, the person with whom the infidelity is shared becomes a third leg. Here, the relationship with the spouse is neither so bad that it should completely break off, nor so good that it should remain. The person committing the infidelity needs different qualities from both their spouse and their lover. More accurately, they want both to remain in their life. This is usually a long-lasting type of infidelity. Often, it ends or comes to light as a result of the increasing demands and expectations of the lover, leading to feelings of worthlessness. C. Infidelity committed for revenge: This is generally a shorter type of infidelity. It stems from the hurt and pain experienced by one spouse within the marriage, with the intention of inflicting the same pain on the other. It often arises from anger over a past infidelity that wasn't adequately expressed at the time, or from the discovery of an infidelity committed years ago. D. Infidelity committed with the aim of regaining attention: Such infidelities are like suicide attempts without the intention of dying. They are brief and may not even involve sexual intimacy. Their aim is to convey the message of being neglected within the marriage and to eliminate the other spouse's deafness and blindness to this message. Because the desire is not to end the marriage, but simply to feel more valued. If spouses recognize that this situation is a result of neglect and become more sensitive to each other's needs, such infidelities can be resolved relatively easily. E. Infidelity stemming from a fear of close relationships: This is a type of infidelity that recurs frequently. It is more common in extramarital affairs. Here, the individual fears committing themselves to a relationship; being close to someone feels emotionally dangerous. On the one hand, they need close relationships, but on the other hand, they fear being consumed by them. These fears result in them sabotaging their close relationships. When they get too close to someone, they fear losing control, so they withdraw and find a new lover. F.Opportunistic or experimental infidelity: Experimental infidelity is a type of infidelity directly linked to sexuality and sex. For individuals with limited sexual experience, curiosity about having sex with another person is the primary cause of this type of infidelity. For those with more sexual experience, it may stem from a curiosity like, "What would sex with them be like?" Opportunistic infidelity is somewhat different. For example, two people who know each other well but have never considered being together might share sex after consuming a large amount of alcohol, or two colleagues who become intimate at a social gathering away from home might share infidelity.
Some acts of infidelity may not fit any of these categories. There are many different types of infidelity; I'm only trying to emphasize here that there can be different themes leading to infidelity.
- What are the devastating effects of infidelity on a relationship?
Undoubtedly, every act of infidelity leaves deep wounds in a relationship that are difficult to heal. The negative impact of infidelity on a relationship:
a. The nature of the relationship before the infidelity,
b. The personality structure of the betrayed spouse, their perception of infidelity, that is, their beliefs and thoughts regarding infidelity,
c. The attitudes and behaviors of the unfaithful spouse after the infidelity,
d. This varies depending on the amount of environmental support.
Infidelity affects different aspects of a couple's lives to varying degrees. Besides its impact on marriage, sexual life, and children, it also affects the value and support received from their social environment. These effects can be considered as losses.
- What are the losses caused by infidelity in a spouse?
Infidelity changes both partners, thus altering the relationship itself. In other words, while the betrayed partner suffers more and experiences more loss when infidelity occurs, this does not mean that the unfaithful partner does not suffer or experience any loss. Therefore, I have given considerable space in my book to the emotions experienced by the unfaithful partner. Sometimes, the relationship after infidelity can be perceived as a process of loss requiring mourning. The old relationship, built on trust, is now dead and must be mourned. Therefore, the process following infidelity can include stages such as bewilderment, shock, denial, anger, despair, helplessness, and sadness, much like the process following the death of a loved one. The losses experienced by the betrayed partner can be summarized as follows. A. Loss of identity: “I'm not the same person I used to be.”. B. Loss of the feeling of being special:“I thought I was special to you. Now I realize I'm easily disposable.” C. Loss of self-esteem and abandoning cherished values in an attempt to win back one's spouse: “I will do everything it takes to save our relationship and prevent him from taking my wife away from me.” C. Self-anger and guilt felt for believing the lies and making efforts to ignore the infidelity: “How could I have been so foolish, how could I have easily believed his lies?” D. Loss of control over thought processes: “How can I get rid of these thoughts? I can't stop thinking the same things. I can't control my thoughts..” E. Loss of control over repetitive and unpleasant behaviors: “I know I shouldn't be doing these checks, but I can't stop myself from accessing his emails, credit card statements, and belongings. F. Loss of sense of justice and control: “Life no longer makes sense, I didn't deserve this, nothing and no one is trustworthy. Nothing is under my control.”"G.". Loss of connection with others: “Who is there to support me? Some pity me, some mock me.”". H.". Loss of purpose and will to live: “Sometimes, on my way home in my car, I want to veer off the road and end this pain..”
- Can spouses build a happy future together after an act of infidelity? What should they do to achieve this?
The answer to this question is: PERHAPS… The percentage of couples who decide to stay together after infidelity is higher than commonly believed. This percentage, ranging from 60-75%, includes both couples who manage to rebuild a relationship based on trust and happiness, as well as unhappy couples who suffer and fail to regain trust. However, when couples who manage to stay together and be happy are examined, it is observed that they successfully complete three important tasks:
1) To do everything possible to lessen painful emotions.,
2) To understand well how infidelity occurs,
3) Being able to make joint decisions about moving forward together.
I've included details on how to do these things in my book.
- A frequently debated topic is whether a failing marriage causes infidelity, or whether infidelity negatively impacts a marriage.
It is important to distinguish between 'understanding' infidelity and 'finding good reasons' for it. For someone who has been betrayed, finding a good reason to justify the infidelity is naturally impossible. No good reason can explain infidelity. However, understanding should be done not to find good reasons, but to provide context to the event, because no phenomenon whose context is not understood can lead to "acceptance." Here, context means seeing the whole picture, that is, understanding the risk factors that may have paved the way for infidelity in your marriage. However, none of these risk factors are the cause or culprit of the infidelity. Understanding infidelity is also not about reaching a consensus or compromise with the unfaithful spouse on the issues cited as reasons for the infidelity. The goal is simply to give meaning to the incomprehensible and protect oneself from the long-term negative effects of the trauma.
Understanding the reasons behind infidelity is a difficult and emotionally draining process, but it is also the most important step towards healing.“Why and how did it happen?To better understand the importance of this question, imagine for a moment that your current relationship resembles a looted house.
When a burglar breaks into your home, wouldn't you want to better understand the factors that led to the theft? Even insurance companies, if their home is insured, would want to understand how the burglary occurred. Could there be an untrustworthy neighbor? Did you leave your door open? Did you take any precautions to make the burglary more difficult? Did you invite people you barely know into your home, making entry easier? Were your valuables kept in easily visible places?
Of course, you are not responsible for your house being burglarized. You are not guilty at all… Crime is theft, and the criminal is the thief… However, if you are going to continue living in this house, or even if you are going to move to another house, you have to take some precautions regarding the security of your home. Just as you can take precautions to ensure the future security of your home, you can also take precautions to ensure the future security of your relationship.
- It is said that monogamy is against human nature. Is infidelity inherent in human nature?
Essentially, monogamy is a rare occurrence in animal species. However, humans, in their evolutionary process, have had to develop as beings capable of changing their species-specific characteristics, adapting to the realities and needs of their time, and controlling their own impulses. How many things do we do according to our nature anyway? When it comes to sexuality, we say 'it's not in our nature,' but in other areas, we can change our nature, even change nature itself. Since humans are beings who actually try to dominate nature, I don't find it right to say 'it's not in my nature.' The first humans, when hungry, had to steal food or even kill. But as they became more civilized, they changed some things according to the needs of their time. If there are humans who can achieve long-term monogamous relationships, why can't others? If one of us can do it, we can all do it. This is a change that can be learned.
- Does infidelity increase during economic crises or when one spouse is ill? Who is more prone to cheating?
In fact, all kinds of challenging and stressful life events can detach individuals from their daily, routine lives. During stressful periods, people may deviate from their usual standards in order to reduce stress or to distance themselves from problems when they cannot cope with them. From this perspective, all kinds of stressful life experiences, breakdowns in communication between spouses, one spouse constantly feeling worthless and unappreciated, spouses neglecting each other by pursuing completely separate interests, socializing in groups where infidelity and cheating are common and normalized, intellectual or emotional dissatisfaction, persistent anger and jealousy, not being prepared for rapid economic growth, and anxieties such as "catching the train that has already left the station" due to advancing age can all lead to many negative situations and can also pave the way for infidelity.